I Can't Breathe with all these Words in my Mouth..: Archive

there ain't no use

in turning on your lights, babe… don’t get too happy. don’t stay too long in one place. don’t wish for the things you’ll never have. and don’t let the good times go to waste. don’t pretend you’re living for someone else now. don’t fake another smile. don’t ask if you really don’t care. ive been this way for quite awhile. and...

Feb 22nd

i'm crying for things

i tell others to do without crying a year goes by. the bruises fade, but the scars constantly reappear. flinch, pull back, and reel another nite lost in my brain. time, time, time. keeps moving around me, flashing forward and i’m unsympathetic to it all. light another cigarette. make another phone call. try to find a connection in nothing. connections constantly lost. falling, dripping...

Feb 1st

27 years of nothing but failures

and promises that i couldn’t keep… i’m beginning to feel as if it’s all coming full circle now. for so long i have had so many unanswered questions and for the first time in a long time i am starting to understand and figure out what i want. some of it isn’t pleasing to me because i’m starting to realize how much i’ve changed and how much my views on...

Jan 18th

i'm not the one you want, babe

i’ll only let you down go away from my window leave at your own chosen speed i’m not the one you want, babe i’m not the one you need well it aint me, babe it aint me you’re looking for

Jan 11th

you should know

that youre just a temporary fix

Jan 7th

all the pushin away

and puttin down cant you see youre gettin the runaround? dont waste your heart on a wild thing shes goy a soul that wont settle on one thing this bird cant sing when youve tied its wings dont waste your heart on me…

Dec 25th

you don't see me...

you don’t see me at all. oh, well. it’s closing in. all four walls. i’m not sure how to make it stop. i’m not sure i want it to. maybe i’m hoping i’ll get crushed. then the talking subsides. no more explanations.

Dec 22nd

it takes one to know one

but me i’m not a gamble you can count on me to split the love i sell you in the evening won’t exist

Dec 15th

well i don't know if i'm wrong

cause he’s only just gone here’s to another relationship bombed by my excellent breed of gamete’s disease i’m sure when i’m older i’ll know what that means loving is fine if you have plenty of time for walking on stilts at the end of your mind and loving is good if your dicks made of wood and the dick left inside only half understood her i...

Dec 6th

i was losing

the man that i love and i all i could do was cry

Dec 2nd

i don't remember

were we wild and free? all that’s faded into memory i feel like somebody i don’t know are we really who we used to be am i really who i was?

Dec 1st

fuck

with a giant lack of intelligence, it was the only word that came to mind today. it’s official. i’m leaving again. california. after the holidays. as much as i trivialize this, i still feel like im in limbo.

Oct 8th

ain't got nothin' at all

oh sweet sweet nothin’ rewind to 8 years ago. jesus, i’m feeling old. lying in a bed at the ameritania hotel, i look up at the person i cared for more than anything in the world and asked him if he believed in God. he looked down at me without even thinking and said, “i believe in myself, that’s all we’ve got. ourselves.” that sentiment has never felt more...

Jun 19th

i couldn't see the future

i liked the past too much

Apr 10th

Diners Beware

This is going to be my first post in my blog about life in a bar. As most of my friends know, I’ve worked in restaurants for 8 plus years. Granted, waiting tables has been good to me. It paid my way through college, it’s provided me with the schedule to live the life I want to lead, and it’s helped me meet a shit-ton of cool people. But there is a giant downside to waiting tables...

Jan 21st

25 years of nothing but failures....

and promises that i couldn’t keep. trying these days to make good decisions. knowing that a giant fuck-up is always around the corner, but now completely understanding that i have control over the corners i take. this will be the last personal entry i post. i am going to start a blog from a server’s pov on how not to act in a restaurant. this week i learned a lot about myself. i...

Jan 18th

now i know

guilt is a strange thing. i have all this guilt inside, nowhere to place it. and now that i have a semi-clear mind it is all rushing back. with the sweat dripping down my face and my hands shaking, i have all these feelings that i thought were dead. where did i get lost in all this? in boxes and crates at the bottom of my closet. with pictures of stangers and foreign places. i’m crying for...

Jul 6th

better luck in the next life

give em some hell and goodbye loved you back then but i couldn’t say when all of your roses have died btw, i’m coming out west next week. i know, i said i’d never do it. and i’m not coming out there cause i want to hang out in la. toby wants to go and it’s important to him, so i figure i can suck it up for a few days. and maybe ican actually see a couple of my...

May 28th

me vs spongebob

god i hate birthdays. i think the thought of getting older just forces everyone to do that analyzing of their lives that they don’t ever want to do. and after tonite it just makes this week ever so present. maybe i’m just tired. maybe i’m jumping the gun. but i think that myabe i’m not doing what i’m suppose to. i’m looking around my room and i just want...

Mar 22nd

i am

more than you think i am fuck this place. i don’t care what happens. no more excuses. i AM coming to new york in april. if i have to hitchhike up there. i don’t care about money. i don’t care about work. i don’t give two shits about any excuse i have made about why i can’t take 2 days off and come see my best friend. jesse, i will be there. but you gotta kick that...

Mar 14th

i could've knocked off the evening...

in a way, i lost all i belived in i never found myself so alone and you let me down… i had the flu all last week and i still feel like a cat on crack. shaky and scared. i want to feel better. i don’t want to lay in the bed anymore. i constantly feel like there is something my body is craving. i’m not sure if it’s something real or psychological, but i feel this deep...

Feb 28th

do you feel

you’d think after 24 years i’d be used to the spin i didn’t think i could get back to here. and i’m not sure how i have. and it’s tempting to stop everything.

Feb 25th

sniff sniff

its 430am and i am sam is on tnt i usually don’t let movies get to me, cause i fully understand that they are movies. but goddamit, i cry from beginning to end of this fucking thing. its gutwrenching and i always have to watch it when it’s on. sean penn is my hero. on another note. my mom remembered it was valentines day today. she even bought my dad a flower and candy. i havent...

Feb 15th

Feb 14th

what could i do different?

it makes one sober to think in an age of illusion, its hard to know when to stop…. i can hear it happening this time. tiny little tears. they were small at first, but now the ripping begins. i never wanted this. i just want to be able to talk to people when they ask me questions. to tell the truth. it seems i can never get the right words out. and maybe this time it’s too late. i...

Jan 4th

don't eat it, they will know...

i have been reminded of two great words tonite that will resume rotation in my vocabulary *gaybo ex. “that tiger will fuck him up like he did one of those sigfried or roy gaybos” *doofus ex. “i’m gonna kill you, you hipster doofus” and the quote of the nite: “i told you 20 times to stop touching my asshole” -this from the hooker peeing on the telephone...

Jan 3rd

Merry Fucking Christmas...

My house smells wonderful. My mom is in a delightful mood. She’s like a little kid. I’ve been having to lock her out of rooms all day and run around the house, hiding from her so I can wrap presents in secret. My dad is singing obscene christmas songs while he’s cooking nasty spaghetti. And my brother and the hobbit are on their way. I spent waaayyy too much money this year, but...

Dec 25th

they're back...

the midgets are back. making they’re little campfire in my stomach. dancing around. having a grand ole’ time. without asking me a damn bit of permission. i hate the burning, stinging, paralyzing feeling. i woke up this morning, thinkng my chest was caving in, scared to death, couldn’t breathe because it hurt so bad, but i wasn’t about to say anything, because god forbid...

Dec 6th

i never knew it...

i started writing an entry on how i felt inadequate in my relationship and then i realized that i am a whiny little jerk. these are things i really want to do: -put up my christmas tree, and have someone else be as excited as me to do. i’m so goddamn tired of people hating christmas. get over it. -be a better friend. everyone’s world seems to be falling apart and i swear i am just...

Nov 5th

chase this circle of thoughts...

till they catch back up with you today was a trial. a miriad of hurdles and goddamit its the first time i haven’t felt like my legs were long enough. i felt as though i was stumbling through this day with no direction whatsoever and being no help to anyone else at the same time. i started my day off with a funeral. one of my best friend’s mothers passed away. that was miserable. she...

Oct 22nd

it aint me babe...

no no no, it aint me youre lookin for…. i’m only one person. trying the hardest the be ok and pretend theres nothing wrong but im climbin up the walls with all this madness. maybe this wasnt the right time. i assume too much from people. i have too many expectations. i have this warm feeling in my belly. such a nice evening. laughing. so nice. happiness over nothing. so nice. and...

Oct 18th

if you fell in love with me, then that's your...

it always seems to cause more problem than less. my biggest flaw is i can never get it right in the middle, everything to me is an extreme, either all or nothing. high or low. one minute i’m madly in love, the next i’m running in the other direction cause i dont know how i feel about anything. then after a few days i am back in love again. same with everything. unfortunately i become...

Sep 29th

something about the buildings in chelsea that...

maybe when things are different for me maybe when things are different for you but all of this shit just sticks in my head is anything different these days? the light in her eyes goes out… i remember specifically a stunning expression of friendship. I was 19, heartbroken, trying to figure out everything all at once, a little too fast. And everything was moving a little too fast. So one...

Sep 14th

i see the vessels of blood...

my head is spinning. i’m pulling further and further away from everything i love. i just want to sit in my closet and figure it out. but i’m not sure anyone is going to give me that sort of time. i can’t focus on anything and i’m well aware. it seems like no one understands my behavior. but i guess the one thing i’m not good at is explaning myself and the reasons for...

Sep 8th

at the dark end of the street...

now what? everything seems so heavy. so impacted. such weight. i believe only once in my life i made a decision that was soley based on myself. when i moved to new york. but quickly that decision was overlapped by another for other people. now i am completely unsure of what decisions i should be making. i’m almost 25. i feel terribly unsuccessful and stagnant, yet i feel so weighted down...

Sep 5th

i always said i'd never leave...

i always get spooked that my dreams have some sort of monumental meaning pertaining to my real life. like i should look into what they are saying to me. perhaps i am unhappy in my situation? maybe it means i would falter in real life? i wonder if other people put so much stock into their dreams. maybe i shouldn’t. cause i always come out being portrayed as a trailer trash slut. maybe that...

Aug 31st

Aug 27th

you know how i go all to pieces...

oh my. i hate sleeping on leather furniture. especially if i haven’t bathed in a few. i stick to it like pork in the bottom of a buttery pan in the oven. bubbly, sweaty, greasy. i am the grease-master today. i always say i’ve never regretted anything. lately i’m looking, analyzing every little step i make. every past discretion. i find different ways to make the same mistakes...

Aug 27th

it feels like things are closing in...

i wish the seasons would change already. i feel sticky. and stagnant. and stuck.hot and terribly cranky. and i have no one to play in my kiddie pool with me. i’m longing for a trip. out of town. out of mind. everything just seems so conjoined right now. every circumstance bleeding into another. every person is the same with just difference pieces painted on the outside. and i know this...

Aug 17th

Memories of You That I Just Don't Have Right...

I make them up. While I’m staring at pictures of you. I suppose that no matter how hard we try to leave things behind in this world, everything we do gets attached like a string. I think I’m a giant ball of yarn. That the cat has continued to play with until I am tangled beyond repair. I’ve continued to keep these things attached, not letting anything go, until it all has...

Jul 28th

I Never Said That it Was Mine. I Was Just Holding...

i stood frozen. my head in your hand. my cheek against your lips. and my ear listening to those pretty pretty words I’ve heard over and over again for so many years. and all i could do was double over and laugh. laugh at how absurd we have become. always thinking this is something more. talk is cheap. and you, my friend, are ridiculous. and laugh at this dance we keep dancing, that stupid...

Jul 24th

Was It All Just Wasted Love?

i’m taking a much needed vacation. a few days at the beach. very excited. just to get away from this smog-infested city. these smog infested eyes. these alcohol infested people with their assuming looks and assuming minds. my father was sad today. and i was sad for him. i wish i was a superhero. but not in the sense that i could fly or walk through walls or anything like that. i just want...

Jul 10th

Is it a comfort that you needed?

Does he move you inside out? Maybe I don’t want to know… No, they haven’t changed my medicine. In a bizarre twist of fate, KT might actually be happy. Alert the media. I smiled more than once today. I even laughed until I cried. Hot shit, I almost didn’t realize I wasn’t doing these things until I started again. It’s almost as if the paper bag has been yanked...

Jul 5th

Well the Truth it fell so heavy, like a hammer...

now i wear the brand of trader dont it seem a bit absurd when it’s clear i was so obvioulsy framed…. what’s so wrong with being happy? whats so wrong with finding something something that makes you happy? everybody wants you to be as miserable as they are…

Jul 4th

Jul 2nd

Jul 1st

She Dreams About The Girl She Used To Be...

She dreams about someone else underneath the sheets… My dog left today. Poor little underbited sweet precious little dog. Now I will officially occupy this bed alone. Lost my boy, lost my dog. I was born in an abundance of inherited sadness. I am trying to work to occupy the space in my mind, but I feel like all this movement is bringing on a sickness I’m unprepared for. My head...

Jul 1st

Everybody sleeps, but I Haven't Done That in the...

I got my closure. I’m not sure who to blame. I don’t feel bad. I don’t think I made the wrong decision. But goddammit, why do my decisions always hurt those I love? Simpler times. Better places. Smoky little bars with teenagers, sitting, just waiting for someone to notice them. Someone to drink with and maybe walk through the city streets back to their apartment. you said...

Jul 1st

If I Was Always on Your Mind, well, you didn't...

I’m left looking around this giant room. Bloodshot eyes. Blurry head. I have nothing to do but wait. Wait for something inside me to change. This room is so empty and I feel so small. I’ve always felt as if I alone filled a room but now I feel undeserving of a corner. It’s cold and as a last resort I’m wearing his socks. Maybe he won’t make me give them back. They...

Jun 27th