I Can't Breathe with all these Words in my Mouth..

27 years of nothing but failures

and promises that i couldn’t keep…

i’m beginning to feel as if it’s all coming full circle now. for so long i have had so many unanswered questions and for the first time in a long time i am starting to understand and figure out what i want. some of it isn’t pleasing to me because i’m starting to realize how much i’ve changed and how much my views on things have changed. its scary to realize all the mistakes i’ve made and the way i’ve treated some people. it’s embarassing and somewhat disconcerting.

it’s time to start making decisions for kt. not to make someone else happy, or moreso, to make sure someone else is being taken care of. when it all boils down to it, i’ve taken care of so many people and who am i left with to take care of me? no one. so what have i gained by all these years of self-sacrifice? nada. so now it’s time for me. decisions to make me smile. songs to make me sing along at the top of my lungs. movies and books to make me question everything and nothing. and love for the sake of love. nothing else…

i’m not the one you want, babe

i’ll only let you down

go away from my window

leave at your own chosen speed

i’m not the one you want, babe

i’m not the one you need

well it aint me, babe

it aint me you’re looking for

you should know

that youre just a temporary fix

all the pushin away

and puttin down

cant you see youre gettin the runaround?

dont waste your heart on a wild thing

shes goy a soul that wont settle on one thing

this bird cant sing

when youve tied its wings

dont waste your heart on me…

you don’t see me…

you don’t see me at all.

oh, well.

it’s closing in. all four walls. i’m not sure how to make it stop. i’m not sure i want it to. maybe i’m hoping i’ll get crushed. then the talking subsides. no more explanations.

it takes one to know one

but me i’m not a gamble

you can count on me to split

the love i sell you in the evening won’t exist

well i don’t know if i’m wrong

cause he’s only just gone

here’s to another relationship bombed

by my excellent breed of gamete’s disease

i’m sure when i’m older i’ll know what that means

loving is fine

if you have plenty of time

for walking on stilts

at the end of your mind

and loving is good if your dicks made of wood

and the dick left inside only half understood her

i don’t know

i don’t know

i don’t know

you

anymore

i was losing

the man that i love

and i all i could do was cry

i don’t remember

were we wild and free?

all that’s faded into memory

i feel like somebody i don’t know

are we really who we used to be

am i really who i was?

fuck

with a giant lack of intelligence, it was the only word that came to mind today.

it’s official. i’m leaving again.

california. after the holidays.

as much as i trivialize this, i still feel like im in limbo.