this week brings on a myriad of emotions. many i still haven’t dealt with. this week in february has ran the gamut of milestones and markers in my life. this week when i was 19 i was snowed in a hotel in new york city with a man that consumed my very being. spent some off the most passionate moments of my life and made memories that i will hold onto for the rest of my days. in that weekend, i fell in love, i got my heart broken and i grew into a woman. all in a whirlwind of snow and innocence lost.
this week when i was 26 i was a completely different person. a version of myself i didn’t know, understand, or even like very much. i laid on the floor of the home i had made with a man i thought i loved, crying, bruised, screaming, and afraid for my life. locked in my room, armed with my pepper spray, unable to comprehend what had just happened or how someone i had given my life to could be such a monster. 3am, alone, no one answering the phone and nowhere to go. i had my life in my hands and my future to decide in a split second.
and finally this week last year, all the pain, all ups and downs, all the trials and tribulations came down to this moment. freshly single for the first time in 7 years, finally understanding who i was and what i wanted out of life, i finally knew what i needed and who i needed. and low and behold out of the blue a friend that i’ve known over half my life stated his intentions of wanting to date me. we went on our first date and til this day i haven’t left his side. i found my soulmate. my other half, the man that not only completes kt, but also compliments who she is.
it’s been such a wild ride and every year on this week i look back at how far i’ve come and i am so thankful.
3 months ago
•
0 notes
a year can do crazy things. i think of where i was on this very day last year. scared, unfamiliar, isolated. running away from my problems only causes them to pop up when i really don’t need them to. little reminders all around me of mistakes and pain and fear of the future. now i’m starting to understand my nature. i’m getting a better perspective. deathly afraid of repeating the past. i keep thinking that tomorrow will answer some questions i’ve been holding on to for far too long. but what if it doesn’t? i don’t have the strength to keep running. everything is flipped over, flat on it’s back, exposed to everything.
7 months ago
•
0 notes
here it comes again. that circular reasoning. i’m breaking at the end of all the empty promises. if there is one thing i have learned in my many, many failed relationships it’s to never settle. it’s that they are hard fucking work. it’s that sometimes love just isn’t enough. you find what you want. you love with such intense passion that it tears your very being in half. you think you’ve finally got it figured out. then, bam! there’s no fairy tale endings. there’s always something else. something missing. maybe i just have something missing inside me. and i know i can’t ever expect another person to fill that void. i’m just tired of hearing that everything will be better, that things will be different. i’ve played that game and i have all the bruises to show for it. i want to believe, i want it to better.
“maybe i’m too young to keep good love from going wrong…to young to hold on and too old to just break free and run”
7 months ago
•
0 notes
then run away and hide.
i’m not sure if i belong
yesterday you asked me to write you a pleasant song
i’ll do my best now , but you’ve been gone for so long
i love your depression
and i love your double chin
i love almost everything you bring to this offering
our clocks are ticking now so before our time is gone
we could get a house with some dogs on the lawn
we could make babies and accidental songs
i know i’ve been a liar and i know i’ve been a fool
i hope we didn’t break it, but i’m glad we broke the rules
my cave is deep now, but your light is shining through
i try to cover my eyes, but still all i see if you
at nite i trip without you and hope that i don’t wake up
cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup
1 year ago
•
0 notes
i’m doin awful
as if she couldn’t tell
by my shaky hands
i was hanging on to every word she said
YOU’LL ALWAYS HAVE A PIECE OF ME
1 year ago
•
0 notes
i wanted to share,
Some important details that you’re unaware
I want you to listen, i want you to care,
I’ll choke to death if i don’t clear the air
It’s not a secret that i obsess,
And then i get angry, and then i get stressed
And you can’t imagine, you can’t compare,
You have no frame of reference and then you get scared
I’m doing my best to help make you see,
That its not your fault, when i’ll beg and i’ll plead
Its much easier to go back to sleep,
We gotta find a place to start because i’m falling apart
I never feel happy, i never feel safe,
I can’t let myself ever stay in one place
I look in the mirror and i see the face
Of a failure who will never be significant
The face that you see from morning to night
Is the mask that i put on to hide whats inside
I don’t take it off until you fall asleep,
I don’t want you to see what live inside of me
I thought i’d get older and it’d go away,
But it only gets worse and causes more pain
And being alone is getting so hard, i just got to tell you
God damnit, i’m falling apart
I now have my reason to die
Feeling for whatever is left
But the pieces are falling too far
God damnit i’m falling apart
Don’t leave yet, i haven’t got to the part that explains at all
Don’t leave yet, i need some body there to catch me before i fall
God damnit i’m falling apart
I wanted to tell you, i wanted to share,
Some important details that you’re unaware
I want you to listen, i want you to care,
I’ll choke to death if i don’t clear the air right now
1 year ago
•
0 notes
when i saw that you saw me that way
all this ripping and pulling
like my pieces would just blow away
i’m fucking huge now
i’m taller every day
why can’t i just stay in my place?
1 year ago
•
0 notes
in turning on your lights, babe…
don’t get too happy. don’t stay too long in one place. don’t wish for the things you’ll never have. and don’t let the good times go to waste.
don’t pretend you’re living for someone else now. don’t fake another smile. don’t ask if you really don’t care. ive been this way for quite awhile.
and please don’t take the best part of me, and run it into the ground. don’t think that i care this much. i never needed you around.
1 year ago
•
0 notes
i tell others to do without crying
a year goes by. the bruises fade, but the scars constantly reappear. flinch, pull back, and reel another nite lost in my brain. time, time, time. keeps moving around me, flashing forward and i’m unsympathetic to it all. light another cigarette. make another phone call. try to find a connection in nothing. connections constantly lost. falling, dripping through my hands like honey. and the lights go out. we’re left alone. the perfect word for this situation. alone…
1 year ago
•
0 notes
and promises that i couldn’t keep…
i’m beginning to feel as if it’s all coming full circle now. for so long i have had so many unanswered questions and for the first time in a long time i am starting to understand and figure out what i want. some of it isn’t pleasing to me because i’m starting to realize how much i’ve changed and how much my views on things have changed. its scary to realize all the mistakes i’ve made and the way i’ve treated some people. it’s embarassing and somewhat disconcerting.
it’s time to start making decisions for kt. not to make someone else happy, or moreso, to make sure someone else is being taken care of. when it all boils down to it, i’ve taken care of so many people and who am i left with to take care of me? no one. so what have i gained by all these years of self-sacrifice? nada. so now it’s time for me. decisions to make me smile. songs to make me sing along at the top of my lungs. movies and books to make me question everything and nothing. and love for the sake of love. nothing else…
1 year ago
•
0 notes
